Navigating difficult conversations at work
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Actionable insights:
- Preparation: Clear time. Twice. There will be tension. This is unavoidable. Following these guidelines will help reduce but not eliminate it. Clear time, if possible, some days beforehand to check you have all information you need and to anticipate and prepare for a range of possible reactions. Clear some time just before the meeting to center yourself, regulate your breathing, find a place of empathy and clarity about what is required.
- During the conversation: Let go of trying to control their reaction. The other person is entitled to their feelings. All you can control is your own delivery and the words you choose to use. A good technique for maintaining perspective is to imagine yourself in 3 months, or 3 years, looking back on this day and this meeting. If the intensity becomes too much either for you or the other person/ people, it is often useful to call for a short break. Time to take some outside air, a walk around the block, can be useful in regaining balance and perspective.
- Detachment: Begin with the ‘third story’. Think like a mediator. Leave your emotions out of it. Stick to observable facts. Experience suggests that there is benefit too in asking the other person for their observations on those ‘third story facts’. The information you have been given may be incomplete or disputed. Better to find this out early. Arriving at an agreed version of this third story provides a solid foundation for a productive conversation.
- Observation: Separate observation from evaluation: Judge the behavior not the person. (People get defensive if they are attacked)
- Honesty: Don’t try to ‘put sugar on a hand grenade’. Empathetic honesty is a form of respect in a difficult conversation. It requires bravery on your part. It is more respectful to the other person.
- Empathy: How would you like this news delivered to you? Think carefully about the words you use. Actively listen, with empathy. In cases where you have ‘news’ to give, don’t prolong the suffering of the other person, don’t prevaricate, get to the point quickly and humanely.
- Space: Allow time for the other person to process what has been said. Leave space in the conversation. Expect that the other person may need to collect their thoughts in the silence, or to vent. For example: “This will be difficult for you to hear, but we have placed you at risk of redundancy. In the rest of this conversation, I’d like to give you time and space to understand why we’ve made this decision, how it affects you and how we can help you.” Be prepared to remain calm while they defend themselves and possibly criticize and attack you. They are entitled to respond, acknowledging what they have said is not the same as agreeing.
- Positivity: Leadership sets the tone. Your energy will be apparent always. Shift your stance to that of curiosity rather than blame. A ‘learning conversation’ is not a battle of messages. Starting from the Third Story, seek to understand the other person’s view, explain yours, try for a shared understanding. Speak from a place of positivity and concern, not just for the individual but also for the team and the wider organization for which you carry responsibility.
- Collaboration: One characteristic of a productive conversation is that you seek to navigate to a position where you invite the other person to collaborate with you in order to bring about the needed change. If it is a negotiation between two more or less equal parties, both with ‘red lines’, it is useful to regularly, and jointly, revisit the shared objective.
- Self-care: Imparting bad news such as a layoff, is troubling. The giver of the news frequently benefits from having someone else (a spouse, a trusted advisor or coach) to talk it through with before or after.